Recruitment Agent Gifts

'Hello, is that the temp agency - Now listen, I specifically asked for elves!'

Thankless jobs...always hiring!

'Yes it's a long and illustrious family tree Mr Yousif, but what I really need from you is a passport.'

"We kiss a lot of frogs so that you find your prince."

'We recruit double agents!'

"Having a banking app does not count as 'contacts in the banking industry'."

"Your larceny convictions preclude us from offering your services to any number of employers...unless you're keen on a career in the banking industry."

"Says here the city is seeing record numbers of job-hoppers."

"Your resume indicates you're ethically bankrupt but able to project the appearance of integrity."

Recruitment Agency: "Describe yourself in three words."

"I understand he's a tech headhunter."

'We found an accountant for you last week to look after your petty cash. Now you're looking for both of them.'

"I'm not really driven. A dead-end job would be fine."

Recruitment Agency - Tips for getting that dream job.

'Have you ever been to prison? If not, Burrows, Smith & Klein would like to know if you'd be willing.'

Any openings?

'Okay, I'll check, but I'm pretty sure Liz Hurley already has a dresser.'

"Congrats -after twenty five years we've finally got you a job in a clock factory!"

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Outer Space Outsourcing

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'We should buy London and ship it to the States!'