Recruiters Gifts

"Of course I've got good people skills what kind of stupid question is that?"

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

The key to landing a good job is patience, persistence and timing. And networking.

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

'Yes, I received your resume that you emailed. I ran a fact check and I was wondering if you know that a half truth is a whole lie.'

'I'm sorry, Mr Aaron, but we checked with your school and you only graduated first in your class alphabetically.'

'I looked at your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

'Your resume seems in order, Mr. Lupo, but would you explain exactly why you want to work here> Mr. Lupo...?

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

"We want someone who can multitask. During our interview I'd like you to fill out those forms and have a physical."

'Wow! My first day on the job! Tell me, is this place as great a place to work as the recruiters told me it is?'

'I only need a job until I win the lottery.'

"Any other skills?"

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

'Dr.Davis was beginning to wish that he'd taken a little more care in wording his advert.'

'Probably by the water cooler.'

"I'm going to write a figure on this paper. You tell me if it looks like a turtle."

'We're looking for someone who either has a good background or can concoct a good story about one.'

"I'm sorry, I always fall to pieces at interviews."

'The resume is handwritten because I am not very good with computers' - The LAST thing you should say in ANY job interview.

'We don't discriminate per se - we just don't hire Lyle Lovett lookalikes.'

'I'd also like to welcome Henderson here, who joins us through Equal Opportunities for the undead.'

...What if I promise to only use half my brain?

'Yes, I'm willing to accept the job on a 90-day probational basis. Do I report to my former probation officer?'

"Naturally, you would have to start at the bottom."

'You've spelt 'C.V.' wrongly.'

'We're looking for a consensus-building team player, if that's all right with you.'

Woman applying for a job in the oil business.

'I know I said this was an 'open age' vacancy miss Jones. But from now on, only send in people who still have a pulse!'

"We've had complaints from HR that we only appoint middle aged white men!"

"This is fine, General, but how are your typing skills?"

"But we've been interviewing like this for years...why would we want to change now?"

"We're looking for someone who's more of a self-starter."