Job Recruiter Gifts

"I see myself in a position where mediocrity is rewarded."

A good place in the queue.

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

'No experience necessary. We'll train you!'

'The job's permanent....there's absolutely no way out'

"You'll have no problem squeezing 80 hours into a 30 hour week."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

Human Resources: Due to Drones, Driverless cars, and Apps, we are not now hiring human beings...

Assistant in Job Centre asking a nose 'So - you're looking for a nose job'

"As a matter of fact my Ph.D. is in entry-level jobs."

"Experience isn't necessary, but you must be highly flexible."

"So, Mr Jones... Do you think you'll fit in here?"

Personnel Dept - I see from your references you're a skilled man.

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

Really Good Careers: An Equal Opportunity Employer

"Congratulations! I think I have just the position for you."

"I'll be right back. If you need anything, just holler."

"This job starts out at $50,000 and tops out at $75,000 after three years."

"I only accepted this job so I could resign."

"I have to be honest: the job you're applying for is a real no-brainer. Are you sure you're OK with that?"

"I see you have experience marking territory."

"Wikipedia does not count as a reference in resumes."

Resignations/Applications

"Have you considered applying for a job a million mils from here?"

"You get paid family leave, ten vacation days, health insurance, and there's a bar right next door."

"Wait a minute. . . you're applying for my job!"

"Deadend job! Perfect! When do I start!?"

"I'm sorry, but you're over-qualified."

"You'll find I work best under great pressure when the outcome doesn't really matter."

"Are there any openings in the labor department?"

"The position you've applied for does employ some osmosis."

"Guess what, Margaret. I've been upsourced."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired. And get paid just enough not to quit."

"I'd feel better about your references if they weren't all from your wardens."

'Yeah, unemployment is down, but hopelessness is up.'