Recruiters Pillows

"Of course I've got good people skills what kind of stupid question is that?"

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

The key to landing a good job is patience, persistence and timing. And networking.

"Can I put in a claim for interview trauma compensation?"

'Yes, I received your resume that you emailed. I ran a fact check and I was wondering if you know that a half truth is a whole lie.'

'I'm sorry, Mr Aaron, but we checked with your school and you only graduated first in your class alphabetically.'

'I looked at your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

'Your resume seems in order, Mr. Lupo, but would you explain exactly why you want to work here> Mr. Lupo...?

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

"We want someone who can multitask. During our interview I'd like you to fill out those forms and have a physical."

'I only need a job until I win the lottery.'

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

'Wow! My first day on the job! Tell me, is this place as great a place to work as the recruiters told me it is?'

"Any other skills?"

"I'm going to write a figure on this paper. You tell me if it looks like a turtle."

'The resume is handwritten because I am not very good with computers' - The LAST thing you should say in ANY job interview.

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

'We're looking for someone who either has a good background or can concoct a good story about one.'

'Dr.Davis was beginning to wish that he'd taken a little more care in wording his advert.'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

"I'm sorry, I always fall to pieces at interviews."

'Probably by the water cooler.'

'I'd also like to welcome Henderson here, who joins us through Equal Opportunities for the undead.'

...What if I promise to only use half my brain?

'Yes, I'm willing to accept the job on a 90-day probational basis. Do I report to my former probation officer?'

"Naturally, you would have to start at the bottom."

'We don't discriminate per se - we just don't hire Lyle Lovett lookalikes.'

"This is fine, General, but how are your typing skills?"

"We're looking for someone who's more of a self-starter."

'Your resume says you pay attention to detail, which I would find easier to buy if your fly wasn't unzipped.'

'We're looking for a consensus-building team player, if that's all right with you.'

'I know I said this was an 'open age' vacancy miss Jones. But from now on, only send in people who still have a pulse!'

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

'You're overqualified, Sir. In other words, you've become too smart for your own good.'