Recently Neutered Pillows

"After I find where you put my balls, I will destroy you."

"Lucky, I Said Heel!"

"Blow out the candles!" "Make a wish!" "I wish I had my testicles back."

"Congratulations! It's a bitch!"

"It's a boy, ... and two girls, then another boy, another girl, and there more boys."

'Honey, I'm home - for good.'

Moving in

"At my age kiddo, you enjoy the simple pleasures: a comfy cushion and a heat-lamp..."

"The house doesn't seem big because the kids are gone - it seems big because we've shrunk so much."

"Should we keep the receipt in case of returns."

'Mom! -- Spot's skinny-dipping again!'

"That's awesome that you taught him to heel, but I just want him to walk normally."

'...and talk about lazy!'

Boy carrying Samuel Richardson's 'Clarissa' for his mistress

'Where my balls go?'

"I'll give you 15 minutes, no biting."

"Fuhgettaboutit, Charley. Ya been fixed."

"Yes, it's free and simple, but a walk with master every day means the world to me...."

'If it's any consolation, I'm having him fixed next week.'

Young Pups In A Chat Room.

"He insists he can't leave until he has a full-time job."

'I've been fixed even though there wasn't anything wrong with me.'

#NoJunk

"You should be happy. How many husbands even notice window treatments?"

"I've found a way to keep the kids from moving back home. I've replaced the front door with a childproof cap."

"You got this! Your brain has a hundred billion neurons, with more links between them than there are stars in the Milky Way. Now, go out there and show those ants who's in charge!"

'Mother Nature gives a sign to all young animals when it's time to leave the nest. Your time is near, son - I've got rheumatism in my shoulder from taking out the purse!'

'My son is away at college, majoring in communications. He never calls and he never writes.'

'Of course me and Lottie never got around to having kids'

Morning Routine

Dog Stripper.

'He's a great dog...a bit of a drooler though.'

'Yeah....very nice...but I still think you're spoiling him!'

'Son, sometimes a mother needs to hear those three little words...'I'm moving out.''