Reality Cooking Warriors T-Shirts

'...now pour the mixture into a baking dish...'

"I call it 'rage loaf'."

Too much cilantro

Keith Floyd.

A butcher and his apprentice.

"This is our high-traffic, reinforced, heavy-duty model."

"Croissants? Donuts? Chocolate? Good price, madame! Good price!"

'LOOK RENOLDSON, i've had JUST about enough of your moaning and groaning! IF you can't stand the heat, GET out of the oven!' / A chef scolding his apprentice inside an oven.

My Cauldron Rules

'By the time I'd watched Delia and Ainsley and Jamie Oliver and Floyd...I'd spoiled the broth.'

Here's one I made earlier.

'Coming to you direct from table nine; 'the polenta is cold'.'

'This week, the secret ingredient on Iron chef is . . . Iron. Good luck, suckas.'

'All our food is locally sourced.'

If they can put a man on the moon, then why can't they... develop a clear plastic wrap that doesn't bunch up!?

Pizza Fencing

"Is this the table with a complaint?"

I'll say one thing for that chef on TV...he really makes deboning a chicken look easy.

'I know you are doing your best, but it will be great when Pat comes home.'

"I should have never let you watch those cooking shows on TV!"

"There's the handoff, and it looks like Dad is going to go with an option route, avoiding the rush from the dishwasher, sweeping left, evading the teenager blitz and heading directly to the liquor store!"

"This Bounty is useless against the Quicker Messer Maker."

'Hello, police? There's been a food fight here and I'm afraid the cheese got the worse of it.'

'For this dish we're going to need two bottles of good quality red wine. And that's before we even start cooking.'

"Ordering groceries online can be unpredictable."

"You missed the garlic. The place went nuts when he added the garlic."

"Is there anyone here who specializes in stress management?"

"Curl your fingers to avoid cuts when slicing or chopping...I learned that trick on a TV cooking show!"

'Amazing - No sooner do we invent cooking than we get the first celebrity chef.'

'Noooo! You idiot! For crying out loud! Sear it first! Then a slow oven.'

The Tumbledweed's Sworn Enemy

HEAD CHEF - A chef collects the heads of the chefs that rank below him.

"What is that creepy sound?" "Don't worry. It's just the ghost of the old dishwasher."

"Is it safe to assume that the meat is laced with antibiotics and the salad is chockfull of pesticides?"

"And now a recipe for disaster..."