Reading Of The Will Pillows

'Your Great Uncle has left you all his money in this family heirloom!'

"Before we begin, I'd like to say that in thirty years as an attorney, I've never encountered a more interesting departure from the standard last will and testament."

'The good news is that you've inherited something from your father. The bad news is, it's his huge nose.'

'...and to my miserable son, Pruitt, I leave all my hideous lime-green wall-to-wall carpet remnants.'

'... And to Mable, I leave whatever was on the trap at the time of my death. '

"Apparently he took it all with him."

"And to my nephew, Todd, I leave my 27 Twitter followers."

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

"I'm not sure you'll want to know this."

"According to his will, he wants his outstanding debts to be shared equally between the three of you."

Nostradamus.

Monster Horrorscopes

"I got the cream, but the bulk of the old lady's estate is going to auction."

"The good news is that you inherit Mr. Brumble's entire estate, Miss Finster. The bad news is that he owes an outstanding balance to your plastic surgeon!"

Hog Futures

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."

Waiting Room For Godot.

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

"Out today due to foreseen circumstances."

Closed for the Foreseeable Future

'...and to you, he has left his leprosy.'

'Well, I'll be darned! It looks like just a lot of the same old stuff from here on out for you.'

"Miss Sadie did remember several pets in her will."

Fortune teller: 'If you want a second opinion, my sister reads tarot cards.'

"And, for God's sake, don't let anyone finish my novel!"

'When will it be o.k. to feel irrationally exuberant again?'

"Miss Sadie did remember several pets in her will."

'And to my no good nephew Milo, who thought he was going to get all my cash - lots of luck!'

'Will I ever catch my tail?'

"My mind is plenty open, Grandma. But not so much that my brain falls out."

"Well, at least you don't have to worry about inheritance tax."

"As per your father's wishes, the reading of the will shall be preceded by a tight five-minute comedy set inspired by my dating life -- or lack thereof!"

'I'll read the will.' - 'I don't like the look of this.'

"You are going to meet a tall, dark stranger..."

'You were a boring accountant in ten previous lives.'