Reading Of The Will Pillows

'Your Great Uncle has left you all his money in this family heirloom!'

"Before we begin, I'd like to say that in thirty years as an attorney, I've never encountered a more interesting departure from the standard last will and testament."

'The good news is that you've inherited something from your father. The bad news is, it's his huge nose.'

'...and to my miserable son, Pruitt, I leave all my hideous lime-green wall-to-wall carpet remnants.'

'... And to Mable, I leave whatever was on the trap at the time of my death. '

"Apparently he took it all with him."

"And to my nephew, Todd, I leave my 27 Twitter followers."

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

"I'm not sure you'll want to know this."

"According to his will, he wants his outstanding debts to be shared equally between the three of you."

Nostradamus.

"I got the cream, but the bulk of the old lady's estate is going to auction."

"The good news is that you inherit Mr. Brumble's entire estate, Miss Finster. The bad news is that he owes an outstanding balance to your plastic surgeon!"

Monster Horrorscopes

Hog Futures

Waiting Room For Godot.

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."

"When you reach your expiration date, would you like to be crushed or recycled?"

Closed for the Foreseeable Future

"Out today due to foreseen circumstances."

'Well, I'll be darned! It looks like just a lot of the same old stuff from here on out for you.'

"And, for God's sake, don't let anyone finish my novel!"

"Miss Sadie did remember several pets in her will."

Fortune teller: 'If you want a second opinion, my sister reads tarot cards.'

'...and to you, he has left his leprosy.'

"Miss Sadie did remember several pets in her will."

'When will it be o.k. to feel irrationally exuberant again?'

'Will I ever catch my tail?'

'And to my no good nephew Milo, who thought he was going to get all my cash - lots of luck!'

'You were a boring accountant in ten previous lives.'

'I'll read the will.' - 'I don't like the look of this.'

"Well, at least you don't have to worry about inheritance tax."

"Yes I can read palms and if you don't remove yours from my thigh, you'll be reading my palm with your face!"

"As per your father's wishes, the reading of the will shall be preceded by a tight five-minute comedy set inspired by my dating life -- or lack thereof!"

'...and to his son, he has left his leprosy...'