Rankings Wiz Gifts

Internet first

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Special: Scrabbled Eggs. No, sir, it's not a misprint -- Ernie adds alphabet soup.

"Baxter...about this report...your punctuation, spelling and grammar are perfect. No one can understand it!"

'Maths is fun!'

Math Teacher

"It's a swearbox."

I'm not sure which, but he's just invented either writing or vandalism. (Published originally on Feb. 11, 2011.)

"Gee, thanks! What rate of interest does it pay?"

'I'll be conducting Mahler 3 as the guests arrive.'

'In a Washington economic summit, a panel of three economists offered two dozen opinions about the direction of global economics.'

'Every team needs a role player. And your role on this team, Bill, is to sit at that desk and crunch numbers.'

"Don't forget your gunfighting helmet."

A2+B2=C2, 'Are you sure you're not just making this stuff up?'

Apex Dictionaries Co - sign reads: Clowsed,bak at too.

'We'll have Bubba here check to see if we've idiot-proofed your computer.'

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

'You should have been here last quarter when his earnings estimate was off by two cents, instead of one.'

NOW HIRING, 'I don't have any formal training for the position, but I've read all the relevant Wikipedia articles.'

The Connoisseur.

Um... Can I get an 'L', Pat?

At 4 years old most kids can say easy straightforward sentences.

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

Tennis Player.

'Excellent Hoskins, you've got all the right numbers, now shall we see if you can put them in the right order?'

'All your wines are so old. Don't you have any that are fresh?'

'... Can Willis come out and calculate formulae?'

'And this is where we attempt to forecast the true size of the spending cuts!'

"'Thank you for sending us your manuscript,' she exclaimed. 'You're welcome,' I retorted. 'Unfortunately, it's not what we are looking for,' she opined. 'How disappointing,' I remarked."

"Can you believe English isn't the official language here?"

"I crunched the numbers and now they're so smooshed up I can't read them."

"Just let me handle my demons and we'll be all set."

'We had to discontinue the alphabet soup -- we were getting too many libel suits.'

Publication Day for Johnson's Dictionary

"Hardscrabble"

"I'm not saying I wasn't startled by the market's drop, but, remember, I was around in '87 for the real thing."