Rabbi Gifts

"Rabbi Mandelbaum?"

'What is this, some kind of joke?'

A surprise in heaven

Shotgun Bar Mitzvah

'Look, I don't want any funny business.'

'Rabbi, I promise, all I ordered was an apple!'

After 39 years, 11 months, 28 days, Moses finally received the GPS he ordered from Amazon.

'Wait a minute Rabbi, I thought you said Judaism wasn't all black and white.'

"The amendments are coming next week!"

'Well, there go all MY plans....'

'No offense, but some of these sound a little PREACHY.'

'They're saying the manna DOESN'T taste like chicken.'

"Stop me if you heard this one."

"I'm supposed to meet a minister and a priest here..."

Amen Corner: 'I say 'Aeemeen'...'Aeeemeeen'...'Aeeeeeemeeen'.'

"Great idea. . . but how do we go about converting everybody to Judaism?"

'What luck. It's Kosher.'

Insurance Company representative with rabbi to lawyer and client: 'I brought hiim along to assure you we would negotiate in good faith.'

'Shmulik, you're working too hard! Money can't buy happiness you know.'

'You've got mohel.'

'Minyan Man! You've saved the day again!'

'Dear, here's de cantor you asked for, but he swears he doesn't know a thing about aerating wine.'

The all night Shavuot learning was as lively as usual.

'In conclusion, it's more blessed to give than retrieve.'

"It's not a question of kosher. He's checking the rabbi's name to see if it's one whose politics he agrees with."

"First, do no ham."

'I was not expecting this, were you?'

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

"When You say two of each kind of animal, do you mean like different colors or what?"

"Seriously, I used to be the staff of a guy named Moses, man the stories I could tell..."

"Just my luck."

"Let's have some fun, guys -- Let's walk into a bar."

"This wandering in the desert for forty years thing -- It IS allegorical, isn't it?"

"This Adam and Eve thing -- Is there a warranty?"

"The congregation wants you to know we think you have a very nice speaking voice..."