Rabbi Gifts

"Rabbi Mandelbaum?"

'What is this, some kind of joke?'

A surprise in heaven

Shotgun Bar Mitzvah

'Look, I don't want any funny business.'

'Rabbi, I promise, all I ordered was an apple!'

'No! No! I said carve a SACRED cow!'

'Well, there go all MY plans....'

'Wait a minute Rabbi, I thought you said Judaism wasn't all black and white.'

"The amendments are coming next week!"

After 39 years, 11 months, 28 days, Moses finally received the GPS he ordered from Amazon.

'You've got mohel.'

"First, do no ham."

"It's not a question of kosher. He's checking the rabbi's name to see if it's one whose politics he agrees with."

'In conclusion, it's more blessed to give than retrieve.'

Ok, ok

"Stop me if you heard this one."

'They're saying the manna DOESN'T taste like chicken.'

"I'm supposed to meet a minister and a priest here..."

"Great idea. . . but how do we go about converting everybody to Judaism?"

"Perhaps you are looking for a different Wailing Wall?"

The all night Shavuot learning was as lively as usual.

Amen Corner: 'I say 'Aeemeen'...'Aeeemeeen'...'Aeeeeeemeeen'.'

"What? You broke number 3 already?"

'Dear, here's de cantor you asked for, but he swears he doesn't know a thing about aerating wine.'

'No offense, but some of these sound a little PREACHY.'

'What luck. It's Kosher.'

Insurance Company representative with rabbi to lawyer and client: 'I brought hiim along to assure you we would negotiate in good faith.'

'Shmulik, you're working too hard! Money can't buy happiness you know.'

'Minyan Man! You've saved the day again!'

"Seriously, I used to be the staff of a guy named Moses, man the stories I could tell..."

"Let's have some fun, guys -- Let's walk into a bar."

"When You say two of each kind of animal, do you mean like different colors or what?"

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

"Just my luck."