Quixotic Humorist Pillows

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

UK/US Free Trade Deal

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

No-Work Orange

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Trump! The Musical

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"...And do you Sean Spicer take Kelly Anne Conway..." "The marriage of alternative facts"

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

'He's downgrading the credit agencies.'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I said slime."

Glance Exchange

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'Poll results are in...90% of Americans can't spell Schwarzenneger.'

"It's just a tree."