Quacky Humorist Pillows

'Thanks, we really appreciate this. Yeah, the middle button. Don't worry, it's auto-focus - just aim and shoot.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"Chomp... Chomp... Curry Tree..."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"I said slime."

Glance Exchange

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Optimist

'If he could trace the matching sock I've another 25 or 30 to account for.'

"Why the gumboots? Well, I can't stand slimy things touching my feet..."

A bird plays the flute to a cat.

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"It's just a tree."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"How about a hand."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'You can't come in here with that.'

'The Lemming Book Store'