Quixotic Humorist Gifts

Why dinosaurs became extinct: 'Okay, I'm on top...now what?'

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

UK/US Free Trade Deal

They're Not Just That Into It

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

No-Work Orange

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Trump! The Musical

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"...And do you Sean Spicer take Kelly Anne Conway..." "The marriage of alternative facts"

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

I've Always Wanted to Be Oppressed By Someone Who Looks Like Me

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

'He's downgrading the credit agencies.'

Glance Exchange

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"I said slime."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

'Poll results are in...90% of Americans can't spell Schwarzenneger.'