Quitter Humorist Gifts

Statistics show that more people give up smoking tomorrow than today.

"Its my letter of resignation. I also turned it into a memoir."

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

"I want to quit, spend more time with my family, finish grade 3....."

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

Wherever You Go, There You Are - Next Exit.

Nicotine Gum

Acupuncture - "So two hundred needles stuck into my fags will help me quit smoking, will it?"

When scientists come out of retirement.

I'm retired...I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

"Help! I've fallen and my son is a disappointment!"

'Our retirement plan is state funded. When you retire, we give you a lottery ticket.'

'Hi John, it's your partner, Peter. I've decided to have a non-smokers day off - it should just make up for all the cigarette breaks you've taken in the last month!'

'Do you have one that says 'It's all over but I'm keeping the ring'?'

'Tech support? If I send a 'Dear John' email to someone named Bob, will it get through?'

'The teachers' range are all designed vertically so they can stand at the front of the class.'

'I hear you're leaving us, Wilkins!'

"Harry seldom leaves his retirement cubicle."

'It's a nicotine patch: I'm trying to quit smoking...'

'I'll only have one pack of nicotene patches this week. My mate's supposed to be getting me some cheaper ones from abroad.'

"Let's face it, Diana. I'm not good enough for you, and vice versa."

"Sorry, babe, this ain't gonna work out. I'm lactose intolerant."

'After you stop smoking you're supposed to eat more, not drink more.'

Brother Kevin is wrecking the dorm!

'To show I'm serious about giving up smoking for new year, I'm going to sign this pledge.'

'Your father's been really getting under my feet.'

'By this time next year you'll be with someone new. You'll tell her about today and laugh. You'll laugh that snorty little piggy laugh of yours. She'll throw you out too.'

'Do the patches help?'

'Sorry, you can't smoke in the control group.'

Smoker's Lungs.

'Did we ever hit menopause?'

'Grandma said the only thing you like to draw is your pension!'

'What did they give you - a gold watch or a cheque?'

"I've given up the ghost"

'We're both dog-tired.'