Quitter Humorist Gifts

Statistics show that more people give up smoking tomorrow than today.

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

"Its my letter of resignation. I also turned it into a memoir."

"I want to quit, spend more time with my family, finish grade 3....."

Wherever You Go, There You Are - Next Exit.

Acupuncture - "So two hundred needles stuck into my fags will help me quit smoking, will it?"

I'm retired...I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

"Help! I've fallen and my son is a disappointment!"

'Hi John, it's your partner, Peter. I've decided to have a non-smokers day off - it should just make up for all the cigarette breaks you've taken in the last month!'

'Our retirement plan is state funded. When you retire, we give you a lottery ticket.'

'I hear you're leaving us, Wilkins!'

'Do you have one that says 'It's all over but I'm keeping the ring'?'

'Tech support? If I send a 'Dear John' email to someone named Bob, will it get through?'

'The teachers' range are all designed vertically so they can stand at the front of the class.'

"Harry seldom leaves his retirement cubicle."

'It's a nicotine patch: I'm trying to quit smoking...'

'By this time next year you'll be with someone new. You'll tell her about today and laugh. You'll laugh that snorty little piggy laugh of yours. She'll throw you out too.'

'I'll only have one pack of nicotene patches this week. My mate's supposed to be getting me some cheaper ones from abroad.'

Brother Kevin is wrecking the dorm!

'After you stop smoking you're supposed to eat more, not drink more.'

'To show I'm serious about giving up smoking for new year, I'm going to sign this pledge.'

"Sorry, babe, this ain't gonna work out. I'm lactose intolerant."

"Let's face it, Diana. I'm not good enough for you, and vice versa."

'Your father's been really getting under my feet.'

'Do the patches help?'

'Sorry, you can't smoke in the control group.'

'My Dad just retired, and now he wants me to give him an allowance.'

"I've given up the ghost"

'We're both dog-tired.'

'What did they give you - a gold watch or a cheque?'

"Since he retired I like to keep in handy around the house."

'Grandma said the only thing you like to draw is your pension!'

'Did we ever hit menopause?'