Quirky Recital Goer Gifts

"Norm, the piano tuna is here!"

Anna Calvi

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

'He's maturing early.'

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'After hours of rehearsing together, little Judy Barlow is going to play 'Three Blind Mice' while her father screams, 'Keep that racket down, will ya?''

'As part of our alternative budget management strategy we've got Tim on 'Hail Marys' in here and Geoff sacrificing a goat to Woden next door!'

Talent, pluck, or plain dumb luck?

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

"And do you have any OTHER skills you can bring to the post apart from being able to burp the Beatles greatest hits?"

"This next song is about narrow-minded record executives and their reluctance to take a chance on anything a bit different."

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

"Hire him. You can't teach shadows like that."

The Dancing Academy

"Happy new year!"

"Here's another one about Teddy bears."

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

Tom Mullica.

'Nest, my impression of Beethoven's sonata inD major, of.31, no.2, as played by Humphrey Bogart.'

"Okay, come at me in a conga line."

"I owe my success to him. I figured, if he can make it, so can I."

Scared sheep visiting a Damien Hirst exhibition.

"He only dances to The Dubliners."

"I got this new hat for when we do the collection at the end."

"I don't get you. You can soft shoe, play the ukulele and juggle, but you can't fetch a pair of slippers."

Adult Magician

Spoonstock.

"No-chance the rapper"

'Have you got to have a Gimmick.'

Unbroken Eye Contact: The Musical

Fishman disco dances in the light of a lighthouse with a disco ball.

Coffin of clown on stilts is carried at funeral.

"I guess I thought 'Andy and the blenders' was a band."

Seth Schubert, Concert Harmonicist