Quirky Quote Seekers Pillows

Kleptomaniacs Anonymous: "The meetings CLOSE at ten o'clock. We don't have a KNOCKING OFF time.'

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"Either that's Marmaduke with a lizard's head in front of us, or I really mixed up my meds."

Family members!

'Tell me this - did you have this condition before you sat in the jacuzzi for 100 million years?'

'It's the pink spot, Jim lad - them rascals is going to try and tweak my nipples!'

"Static cling."

"Daddy, why do people pull round pizza from square boxes and cut them into triangles before they eat them?"

Unicorn Working From Home

'If it 'tells' the time, why do I have to look at it?'

Ostrich Curoisities

Plant Parenthood...

"May you love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one is watching, and chase squirrels at the speed of light."

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

Musuem. Galileo did an experiment by dropping cannonballs from the Tower of Pisa. I wonder what he discovered? Personal injury lawsuits!

'Goodness, the potholes are deep this year, aren't they?'

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"I'm an ass is half-full kind of donkey."

Bear who goes drinking instead of hibernating

Drinking Companions

'But why do you want to transmute asparagus into cotton?'

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

"If all you have is a whatchamacallit then every problem looks like a thingamajig."

Chicken Funeral Planning.

'See, there are no people in your closet. Now, go to sleep!'

Nit and Flea picking 'Next please...'

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"I can never go metric. 'Al's 30.48 Centimeter Hot Dogs' just doesn't sound right."

The Month of June

Portrait of Shakespeare smoking.

Pioneers of the ancient west

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

Why can't you use the brains God gave you? Oh, shoot, I think this is Bob's.

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

'You will never require the services of a dating agency.'