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Realistic Ancestry Chart

"...We've traced your lineage all the way back to a 15th-century East European Count."

Well, I'll be...Dutch Elm Disease!

"Your father would be able to afford to send you to a good college if only he had listened to me when he was your age!"

'This reminds me...what generation iPhone are you?'

'I'm tracing my relatives.'

When you said you were going to find your ancestors I thought you meant on the INTERNET!

'There's no stigma in being brought up by apes - I was an adopted child too.'

'You rejected my great grandfather and my father. I demand you recuse yourself!'

I don't like the look of that fish! Can I help it if it had ugly parents?

'You really have little choice in the matter, Son -- you're a Bramwell, and we Bramwells have always been pompous asses.'

Genealogical picture of Mr. Punch.

Genealogy Service. Family Trees Traced. I discovered that not only are you heir to an unclaimed family fortune, but I'm your long lost brother Wally!

"Your DNA test came back – you're 49% from the Amazon, 49% from the Caribbean, and 2% from some plastics plant in Texas."

Have you even thought of having children, Randy? Of course. I come from a long line of perfect specimens. Each successive generation is more charming, more virile, more irresistible than the last. HOJ. Logic dictates that I am not the end result, I am but a link in the evolutionary chain of Randies. I must reproduce eventually, for the sake of all mankind. How about you? I come from a long line of corporate overlords, each greedier than the last ...

"Don't bother wasting your money on DNA testing. The results all come back, 'Ape.'"

" ...and this is the armor of my ancestor, 'Cederick the Unintimidating.'"

And remember son, never take your grandfather's picture down from the boardroom - it's bugged.

"My mom was a Holstein-Friesian, and my dad was the King of Diamonds."

'I did our branch of the family tree. Turns out we're birch and northern pine.'

"I didn't want the family business but ten years ago on take-your-child-to-work day my father wouldn't let me go home again."

Franklin Pierce

'One day son, all this will be asset stripped.'

'Baskerville, that's right: The Hound killed by Sherlock Holmes was one of my ancestors...'

'A regular chip off the old bottle.'

'I've recently discovered that there's never been a hurricane named after me. See to it that the next one is.'

GENEALOGY - FAMILY TREE RESEARCH, 'Whoa! -- John Wilkes Booth AND Benedict Arnold?'

'We've traced you back to the cartoonist who drew you.'

"Actually, Tommy, we're just about full-blooded management, except for your grandfather on your mom's side, who was one-quarter labor."

"The owner says that his ancestors go back hundreds of years, but so do ours!"

You've been around for a very, very long time. Maybe you can answer this

GENEALOGY - FAMILY TREE RESEARCH, 'Whoa! -- John Wilkes Booth AND Benedict Arnold?'

Alphorn

The Genealogist

'It's ok Percy, great Grandma Gertrude is much nicer than she looks...'