Quirky Health Realist Gifts

This thing on my neck is keeping me awake at night.

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

Man with money in hand reads instructions on 'Check prostate' vending machine

"Alarmingly, after five minutes the pool had come no closer."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

'Extreme acupuncture.'

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

The little engine who could, but decided not to- 'Ah, the heck with it!'

Toilet roll beauty tips.

"Your husband's laryngitis will probably last another wee but your blood pressure is nothing short of miraculous."

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

'As I said, the medication won't cure you, but it will make you more comfortable for the duration.'

"Why do I always get the stupid wobbly table?"

No crawling sign in the desert.

It's not a tongue depressor, it's a used popsicle stick. If you can name the flavor, your taste buds pass the test.

Your insurance doesn't cover leeches, but some patients are reporting good outcomes with the escargot.

Forget Your Worries at Velton Corners, Spa.

Dr. Nutrition, would you say our tuna sandwiches could prevent hair loss? Dr. Nutrition. Given how furry you are, I'll take that as a yes. I will tell our customers the great news. I really appreciate your input, Dr. Nutrition. You are a valued scientific authority. The key to a successful scam is maintaining the pretense at all times.

Doctor, I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead. Don't believe everything you read on the net.

'With the added weight on their chests, donors can give a pint of blood at a time.'

'You are on a sickie you skiving little...'

"Why should I want to add years to my life when they all come at the end?"

"Odd - you have bad cholesterol, good cholesterol, and some cholesterol that wonders why everyone can't just get along."

I'll have a gentle flower chamomile tea. That's a good choice, Uncle Mort. Of course you'd say that!!! You're in the pocket of the chamomile industry! You feed at the chamomile trough!!! Here. Delicious. Thanks. I'm glad you're finally taking the doc's advice and laying off the caffeine. That's what you think! I just swallowed seven caffeine tablets with it!!!! Forget the doctors! Big chamomile is in cahoots with big medical insurzzzzzzzz. Addiction is an ugly thing.