Quirky Friend Finder Pillows

'Thanks for calling but we may get cut off ... '

"Oh, God, no, please, no, God, no..."

I'm at the shrub with the empty bag of pretzels we sniffed last week. Where are you?

"Excuse me ma'am, may I help you cross the road so that I can get the answer to this dumb joke my friend keeps telling?"

'I like scientists: They are genuinely interested in every mundane thing we do and keep detailed records...'

'I found him on the internet.'

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

"The first day of school. Yes sir. A day to make new friends. A day to mark new beginnings. A day to discover everyone but you has grown three feet over the summer."

Giraffe Selfie

"Ooo... she sounds nice... 'I enjoy burying myself in the sand and sideways walks on the beach.'"

Penguin Remote

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

"I've already made arrangements to be flushed down the toilet."

"This does not make us friends."

Taking goldfish for a walk.

"Your online profile says you like to foxtrot."

"This is never going to work—you're a tree!"

"Just pick one!! We're already late!!"

Live Flower/Vase Flower - 'Julia?'

'Well, fancy meeting you here.'

"Well, Arnold, it's been fun."

"Have you ever licked cream off a woman's body?"

If it's any consolation, you burned the bejeezus out of his finger.

"My Lord, you said you'd walk with me, but I only see one set of footprints."

Cakeless.

"When life gives me lemons, I know twenty-six ways to kill a man with a lemon."

"Here's one - 'Few-bricks-short-of-a-load seeks One-our-out-of-the-water.'."

A businessman watches as a girl walks past carrying a balloon with his face on it.

'Stop worrying, he said he's bring his new friend he's met recently.'

For the last time, Barb, I'm not ignoring you., I'm just eating.

'Aunt Val's pretty cool. . . Kind of hot actually. . . for an older lady.'

"Okay. So, apart from being a very shy ventriloquist, is there anything else you can tell me about him?"

"Hmm....who's this tall drink of water?"

People who don't believe in soulmates just haven't met the right animal.

'Please! Take these and let my buddy go!!'