Quippy Customer Service Pillows

'At least, the customers still remember our company, our products and me...'

Backfire

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

Plant Parenthood...

'Is the water cold?'

"If you are a Democrat, Mrs. Hooper-Smith does the Macarena during your pancakes."

'My dentist recommended it.'

'What a gyp! Yesterday, after I got fixed, I put my testicles under my pillow, and all I got was a quarter!'

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

Access Denied!

"You've got termites."

'It says 'three percent split infititives, 8 percent passive verbs, 16 percent compound-complex sentences,average sentence length 26 words,paperback rights $3.2 million,movie sales $8.3 million,total take $11.5 million,less 5 percent agents fees.'

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

The refinancing didn't come through -- I say we just walk away from the project.

Penfriend

Over. Under. Sideways. Kid.

"Larry, did you water the plant?"

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

'Waiter, a café with chairs, tables and two coffees please!'

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

Honeymoon

'Why don't you get Tommy to help you carry that?' 'He's inside there carrying the clothes.'

"This is our new Model 240. It does everything theirs does, and it makes a great-looking hat."

Waiter holding a smartphone: 'Would you like it Instagrammed?'

'If a rooster can crow why can't a crow rooster?'

No, pal, I don't know if the chicken is free-range.

"We'd like you to be the quirky but lovable teen-age daughter,"

'You'll have to make do with those until yours come back from the service department.'

Home Business - Safe.

Last Post

'Dill! Stop being a freakish modern day cow-relic chewing throwback! Ok?'

'Yup, that was one ingrown toenail!'

"As your advertising agency I recommend a cow as a mascot for you hockey team. Because cows do not have upper teeth."