Quintessential Gourmet T-Shirts

'How gauche! Serving oyster crackers with clam chowder.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Too much cilantro

The Main Types of Cheese

To do before Saturday...

"Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, onion bagel with Nutella and cream cheese, dirt, dirt, dirt..."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'Is this still America?'

PREPARING A POMEGRANATE FOR DUMMIES

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Cheese

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Holiday Supplies

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"The bagels are better in New York."

'Cooking'

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."