Quieter Humorist Gifts

Brother Kevin is wrecking the dorm!

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Glance Exchange

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"It's just a tree."

"How about a hand."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

'Thanks, we really appreciate this. Yeah, the middle button. Don't worry, it's auto-focus - just aim and shoot.'

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

'You can't come in here with that.'

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

Self Help / Elf Help.

"I cross the road to forget."

'The Lemming Book Store'

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

'Please keep in mind this is only a 'ruff' copy.'

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.