Quieter Humorist Pillows

Brother Kevin is wrecking the dorm!

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

Glance Exchange

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"How about a hand."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"It's just a tree."

'Thanks, we really appreciate this. Yeah, the middle button. Don't worry, it's auto-focus - just aim and shoot.'

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

'The Lemming Book Store'

"I cross the road to forget."

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

'You can't come in here with that.'

Self Help / Elf Help.

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

'We have a P-O-P display for our new perfume. Can we move the beef jerky down a smidge?'