Putting Portfolio Manager Gifts

'Thanks, but I know all about the Dogs of the Dow. My problem is I end up with them, instead of starting.'

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

The day the stock market went UP.

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

Build Your Own Portfolio

'Good news! Our nest egg is developing into a double yoke.'

Investments - remember, you are what you invest in!

'Greek debt was downgraded for the 11th time this week, by S&P, to P.O.S. Negative Infinity, meaning it's safer to eat uranium, than own Greek debt.'

Investments - Founders Bear and Bull.

"Until we get a bigger chart, we're estimating it's now about up to here."

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

"We're counting on you to reverse this trend before this afternoon's investors meeting."

'well of course I'm giving your portfolio the attention it deserves, I'm even wearing a black armband!'

Stock market Bull & Bear financial whirlwind.

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

'Stocks were up on news that no performance enhancing drugs were used to achieve today's highs. . .'

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

'Based on your travels, what would you say is the greatest potential downside, if any, to investing in the Upper Amazon?'

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Fiscal Compass for the Global Investor.

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

'Time to buy.'

Hedge Fund: Our 'Swaps' which mimic stocks, were voted #1 derivative of the year!

'Look on the bright side; you got out of that stock before it became...unstable.'

'This app is linked to my financial advisor and provides simulated hand holding when the market is down.'

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

Symbols of Wall St: bull, bear, Humpty Dumpty.

"Your stork analyst is here, sir."

'Wake up! You should be worrying about our investments!'

The Invisible Hand of the Market

Standard And P****d.

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

"Make it Dow 30,000, and I'll sell you my soul."