Portfolio Manager Gifts

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

'Diversify, diversify, diversify. Never keep all your eggs in one basket, unless it's Easter.'

"Who's on duty today...you or me?"

'Unfortunately, this, here, is still a mystery.'

'I just checked my portfolio and it's worth a small fortune. Unfortunately, I started with a large fortune.'

'What's this I hear about you going long?'

"Until we get a bigger chart, we're estimating it's now about up to here."

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

"Blame the messenger."

'Based on your travels, what would you say is the greatest potential downside, if any, to investing in the Upper Amazon?'

'Long term I like energy and transportation stocks. Short term I like lottery tickets.'

'Relax. I've come for your high yield 30 year Treasury bonds. They're about to expire.'

Acme Financial Management - Risking other people's money since 1927.

'There is no evidence use of steroids by fund managers will improve profits.'

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

'He's our new portfolio manager.'

Department of Unrealistic Dividend Earnings: 'We realize it is an unnecessary department but the acronym was just too cool to shut it down.'

Large cap funds

'Look on the bright side; you got out of that stock before it became...unstable.'

'Why didn't you tell me your investment objective was to avoid a portfolio meltdown?'

'Maybe next time you'll think twice before you leave your portfolio exposed to obvious interest rate risk!'

'You're not going to lose a cent with the Bermuda Triangle Fund. Every dollar I've ever put into it is still there...somewhere.'

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

Intelligent dog.

'Now this is a fabulous strategy that has worked flawlessly every year, except for those when it failed miserably.'

'I'm going to suggest a stock that has outperformed the market for the last three hours.'

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

'I'm depressed Ms. Hartwig. Send in some optimistic economic data to cheer me up.'

Zen and the Art of Portfolio Maintenance

"I make all my own investment decisions. I have a portfolio of long term investments. Unfortunately, they all started out as failed short term investments."

Investments: Welcome Vegans! As about our '100% Plant-Based Commodities Fund.'

The Stock Market's Gone This Way...

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

"It just appeared after I'd transferred my portfolio into ethical investments."

It's 11 p.m. do you know if your portfolio allocation will carry you through armageddon?