Puppy Talker Pillows

'Now,they're going to teach you to talk, but remember, after you learn how.stay away from religion or politics.'

'Does my tail make me look fat?'

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

Bitchbark Canoe

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'Personally, I don't like to play Fetch, but it makes him happy.'

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

'So far, I've taught him to fetch.'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Knock on the door - dog stands up and shouts 'Beat it!'

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'With 73 dog obedience books read between us, I think we must consider defeat.'

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

"No no, I said sit!!"

"I want him to have the serenity to accept the things he can't pee on, the patience to pee on the things he can outside, and the wisdom to know the difference." "But I'll probably just take him to a trainer."

"Foster failure"

'I see! And, just how much will it cost if she is in season?'

"What you call tricks I call humiliations."

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

Licensed Therapist

'So what's it like riding in first class?'

'When he's happy he can cool the entire downstairs.'

Barks in code.

"They think we're their best friend. Just play along with it."

Raw food, after you leave for work.

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

Growl - Hiss Conflict Resolution Meeting

'Bert's dog training.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

Canine Companion

'Hey Harry, you know you've been walking around with a biscuit on your nose for the last two hours?'

"Why, you little Shih Tzu."