Pundit Playground Gifts

God Help Us

"My political platform focuses on more ice cream and more frisbee chasing, with less chores and fewer baths."

'I don't know what 'peer pressure' is, but it makes a GREAT excuse!'

"I'm bored."

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

"With the caveat that the only certainty in this life is uncertainty, I still want to entertain the possibility of being a pundit when I grow up."

"So, what do you do for play?"

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"That's Brian Eggleston, de facto leader of the playground intelligentsia."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'Sure, I took your shovel. Ethics doesn't kick in for a year or two.'

A child sitting on a swing - while playing with a hand-held electronic device or phone

"Recess does things to a man."

'I prefer the term 'whistleblower' to tattletale.'

"I'm doing whatever I feel like doing, before I reach the age of accountability."

"Have your parents sign this waiver concerning violations of personal space. . . then you guys can play tag."

'Play post office? -- I don't like violent games.'

'Don't let them know you're a prodigy. If they find out, they'll take away your teddy bear.'

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

"Maths is easy because it's so logical. 2 + 2 obviously equals 22."

"Ok, so I go back and forth… Then what?"

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

'They're relics of the many ancient civilization that have dwelled at Blisshaven.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"It turns out I just wasted the whole morning networking with a dog."

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

It's a deal. You give me five analysts, three pundits, seven technicians and a soothsayer. I give you six experts, five professors, four consultants and a prognosticator.

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Mood swings: Swing 1 - 'Looks like it's going to be another wonderful day!' Swing 2 - 'Who CARES link brain! I hope it rains acid!!' Swing 3 - 'I think i'm going to CRRRY!'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'You put it down for five seconds. I get it now.'

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Glenn Beck?'