Pun Police Gifts

"It's the Grammar Police! Have you been using 'your' when you should be using 'you're' again?"

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Zombie standup

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

"E=MC² Energy=Milk·Coffee²"

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

I will study my speling words...

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"That's it. We’re toast."

"This brew is quite hoppy - they must of added too much toad."

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

Backfire

'I don't like heights...maybe that's why I've had so many low points in my life.'

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

'RUN FOR COVER!!!!! It's another one of those 'Baby Showers'!!!

"Ninja bread men"

"Why am I always the designated driver?!"

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

They try, but those crows can't make noises they used to. The lost caws!

"Happy Gnu Year!"

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"Hic. Gosh and begorrah!" "Wha?"

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.