Pun Police Gifts

"It's the Grammar Police! Have you been using 'your' when you should be using 'you're' again?"

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Zombie standup

"E=MC² Energy=Milk·Coffee²"

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

I will study my speling words...

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

"Oh, stop it. You are not at all obtuse." Complimentary angles make the other angles feel good about themselves.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"This brew is quite hoppy - they must of added too much toad."

'I don't like heights...maybe that's why I've had so many low points in my life.'

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

Backfire

"That's it. We’re toast."

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

'RUN FOR COVER!!!!! It's another one of those 'Baby Showers'!!!

"Why am I always the designated driver?!"

"Ninja bread men"

"Stop the drama. Take that wig off and wait 'till spring like everyone else."

Shampoo.

"Well, young man... just consider yourself grounded!"

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"Hic. Gosh and begorrah!" "Wha?"

Vlad the Inhaler

What nationality were your parents? North or south Poles?

"Happy Gnu Year!"