Pump Avoider Pillows

Oil man gets oil for his car directly from oil well.

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

Sherlock Holmes Museum: No Hounds.

'I beat the 5 o'clock rush... I leave work at noon!'

Excess Baggage: You send emails from exotic places just to make your friends jealous.

"You couldn't just stop and ask directions, could you?"

"I can skip my bath. On the way home I jumped in all the puddles."

'Oh good! - I hate long lines!'

Mr. Macho at the game... and after the game is over.

The life-changing magic of shoving everything into a huge Hefty bag and leaving it for somebody else to deal with.

'Where'd he go, nurse?'

'It's not flying I'm afraid of -- it's driving to the airport!'

'As a bachelor I have to wash my own clothes, clean my own room. The do it all again three months later.'

"I still haven't cleaned up from the party."

Wow, look what you've stepped in: Boy I'm glad I'm not the one having to lick it off...

L.A.: Still No Pro Football

'Only one side effect - colossal pain...'

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."

'What part of school don't you understand?', 'The part between the bells ringing.'

Tred carefully mill.

"Apparently, my self-driving car doesn't like driving in the snow, because it took it upon itself to drive 1,200 miles to somewhere warm while I wasn't paying attention."

"Don't tell the boss, but I'm leaving early to beat the traffic."

You're right. Winter in Florida sounds better every year.

There's leftover apple crisp! Whoever finishes it up, please clean the baking dish. Hey! It's not finished!!

'Any place that doesn't have snow.'

'Been coming here for years and never bumped into anyone who knows me . . . weird!'

'Why can't you do that while I'm on the golf course?'

'IN my fantasy league, we're not allowed to pick players from teams named after cats.'

'No, it's true, I've never seen snow... I always seem to end up going South for winter...'

"But this is the way we've always done it."

How to Tell when You're Asking for Directions from a NASCAR Fan: 'Make a left, then hang a left, take another left followed by a left...'

'Careful, it might be a trap...'

'The sad thing is, Jonah's so afraid of the water now, he won't even take a bath.'

'You just had to throw the manual out didn't you? Big man can figure everything out for himself...'

"I hate needles!"