Pressure Avoider Pillows

"Some clown tried to thrust greatness upon me. I took evasive action."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'I couldn't stand the heat, so I got out of the kitchen.'

"Can you change this quiz grade from an A to a C? I like to keep expectations low until I blow my parents' mind by acing the final exam."

'I beat the 5 o'clock rush... I leave work at noon!'

"People just don't realise how stressful this job is. . . I used to have hair!"

Ernesto Valverde Tejedor

Excess Baggage: You send emails from exotic places just to make your friends jealous.

The stock market sky is falling.

'Now let's see how he handles pressure...'

Man at Fire Escape sees door with 'Hot Button Issues Escape',

'Ooops. Wonder if I can claim El Nino caused a surge in water pressure?'

Mr. Macho at the game... and after the game is over.

'Where'd he go, nurse?'

'It's not flying I'm afraid of -- it's driving to the airport!'

'As a bachelor I have to wash my own clothes, clean my own room. The do it all again three months later.'

Sailor notices a sea mine in his foot bath.

Wow, look what you've stepped in: Boy I'm glad I'm not the one having to lick it off...

L.A.: Still No Pro Football

Salesman given 10 minutes under extreme pressure to sell to buyer

'Only one side effect - colossal pain...'

"My neighborhood is getting too noisy. Traffic, screaming kids, barking dogs … I'm used to living in quiet desperation."

'When did you last have your pressure checked?'

'What part of school don't you understand?', 'The part between the bells ringing.'

Oil man gets oil for his car directly from oil well.

"Apparently, my self-driving car doesn't like driving in the snow, because it took it upon itself to drive 1,200 miles to somewhere warm while I wasn't paying attention."

There's leftover apple crisp! Whoever finishes it up, please clean the baking dish. Hey! It's not finished!!

"Don't tell the boss, but I'm leaving early to beat the traffic."

"We were wondering if now would be a good time to panic."

'Is it safe to come out? Are the auditors gone?'

'Why can't you do that while I'm on the golf course?'

'Been coming here for years and never bumped into anyone who knows me . . . weird!'

Indoor sauna.

Risks for the heart patient Unloading the Dishwasher "Sorry? No can do." Answering the Land Line R-R-RING! R-R-R-RING! N-nope R-R-RING!!! Doing Taxes "Doc said I should take it easy." Any Car-Related Errand "The old ticker."

"... and the next speaker will be our out-going president."