Vacuum Avoider Pillows

'Why can't you do that while I'm on the golf course?'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.

College kid rakes up his clothes on the floor in messy dorm room

"You couldn't just stop and ask directions, could you?"

"I can skip my bath. On the way home I jumped in all the puddles."

'Oh good! - I hate long lines!'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

Pets are not only good companions, they're good excuses.

The life-changing magic of shoving everything into a huge Hefty bag and leaving it for somebody else to deal with.

'Where'd he go, nurse?'

Wow, look what you've stepped in: Boy I'm glad I'm not the one having to lick it off...

Welcome Sufferers of Stage Fright

"I still haven't cleaned up from the party."

'As a bachelor I have to wash my own clothes, clean my own room. The do it all again three months later.'

'It's not flying I'm afraid of -- it's driving to the airport!'

'Only one side effect - colossal pain...'

There's leftover apple crisp! Whoever finishes it up, please clean the baking dish. Hey! It's not finished!!

Oil man gets oil for his car directly from oil well.

How to Tell when You're Asking for Directions from a NASCAR Fan: 'Make a left, then hang a left, take another left followed by a left...'

'That's the plan then, gang. We all move in with Bruno on bath nights!'

'Yeah, I guess I have kind of let it go.'

'The sad thing is, Jonah's so afraid of the water now, he won't even take a bath.'

"Tia Carmen, don't they say that we're made of dust?"

'You want a plastic bag, for one tin of peas? Why don't you use your hands to carry it home? After all, they are reusable and friendlier to the environment.'

'Is there a machine that's not in front of mirrors? I know what I look like...that's why I am here.'

'You just had to throw the manual out didn't you? Big man can figure everything out for himself...'

'My last book did not have a happy ending. I had to pay a fine.'

'Forget the sunscreen on your camping trip, did you?'

"I'm just trying to get through the rest of my life without buying another umbrella."

The ocean - vast, deep magnificent...

"I hate needles!"

"Some clown tried to thrust greatness upon me. I took evasive action."

'I put a dab of Pine-Sol behind each ear and my husband thinks I've been cleaning all day.'

Fear of housework.