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"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

'We know it's good...we had an excellent ghost writer.'

At last, he was able to plug into the distribution network of a major publisher.

"I'm sorry, Prolf. Minskov, but that article on Minskov's theory...they want someone else to write it."

'I can get your sentence reduced to time served, but your publisher says that will really hurt your book sales.'

'This is an excellent article about your life in the forest, Mr......uh....Miss Herman, would you please bring me an oil can?'

Man selling lamb weekly

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

First Novels.

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

"Meet the embellisher 3-5 pm"

"National security adviser"

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

Gay Times...

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

"If I 'HAD IT ALL' it would it be enough?"

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

Thesaurus Publishing: Out, Not here, Gone, Absent.

'It's the first animal in their dictionary, Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first...'

"I've given up on the novel. There's more money in writing inspirational memes."

"So start throwing together about 10 novels a week and bring them in on Wednesdays."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."