Pseudonym Ponderer Gifts

'He's been at it for six months, and he still can't think of a pseudonym.'

"He's his own worst enemy."

"I think you'll find the pen is writier than the sword."

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

'I like the history professor but I think he's mired in the past.'

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single malt."

"Today we'll examine that age old question of robot accomplishment: programming or processor?"

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

The Male Atom: Sex, Sport, War and Good Intentions.

"When will I be old enough to have an inner child?"

Max Weber

"No, I don't believe youth is wasted on the young. I believe money is."

"A watched kettle never boils, so I'm covering up Alexa."

"I've been studying reverse psychology at Tonga Tech Online University."

Telling Self to Buzz Off

'Have you noticed how the grass is always greener on the other side?'

'Well, that brings us up to my third birthday...'

I see

What brings you to therapy, Rudy? Dr. Noodle. I've been feeling like my whole life is on pause. And I can't find the remote to unpause it. Meanwhile, everyone else's stories are proceeding apace. They're all into the second act already. They've all had plot twists, and hero's journeys, and epic love scenes, and thrilling reversals of fortune ... Meanwhile, I'm still paused on the opening credits because no remote. Why don't you get up off the couch and unpause it manually? You can do that?

Yeah, I woke up as a roach because I was so full of existential dread – Why did you wake up as a dung beetle?

Some moss pounces on a rolling stone.

"I don't know why I'm here - I don't need a haircut."

"We should probably talk about the elephant in the Roomba."

Three Wise Monkeys with MP3 players: Hear no evil, hear no evil, hear no evil

That's no big deal, a lot of people get Siskel and Ebert mixed up

Caption Contest TK

'Please don't read anything into the fact that I'm wearing loafers. I assure you I'm a very energetic worker.'

'The heck of it is, non-violence never solves anything either!'

"I've changed the company's name, Edith. Ours, of course, will remain the same."

'Do you ever wonder about this whole 'money' thing?'

"I can never remember whether children are to be seen and not heard or the other way around."

'It's not just his insane jealousy - he also insists on choosing all my clothes.'

"Would you look at the carrot on that guy!"

"Recent studies now show that people who use the aphorism ‘whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ have compromised immune systems."