Protein Pundit Gifts

A Mean O' Acid.

Another long day down at the Bureau of Earthquake Prediction.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

Quality Control

'All those in favor of having anchovies on our pizza will signify by saying aye.'

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

Genetic modification creating plastic from plant cellulose.

Eldrow

"Okay, money doesn't make you happy. So how about commodity futures?"

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

'Which would be more Zen ? a pizza with nothing, or a pizza with everything?'

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

'I told him not to wear stretchy pants to dinner.'

Lemonade - $500 A Glass! 'Yes, my prices high, but how else am I supposed to buy a Boulevart M109R? Certainly not on my allowance.'

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

"Fact amnesty"

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"Right now I'm mostly in cash."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Shouldn't there be some sort of pecking order around here?"

"Summer's here. Do you want to start talking incessantly about tomatoes or corn?"

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51

Wall Street: Panic, don't panic

Pie chart - What were we studying, again?

'You think irritable fowl syndrome is bad? Just wait until you hit menopause.'

'That's the trouble with theae Chinese stocks -- an hour later you want to invest again.'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"The tweet you posted last night struck a chord around the world, united all factions, and basically altered the course of humanity."