Prophecy Punster Pillows

"No thanks. I'm not interested in being the, 'official prophet of the NFL.'"

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"All we have left is standing room only."

When Holy Cows Are Sent Out To 'Pastor'.

"Let's not try to make this symbolic. Of anything."

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

'On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul.'

Pig philosophy class - 'I'm pink, therefore I'm ham'

A-Hem! I'm still singing here!

"Okay, now we're too domesticated."

"We're a pharmaceutical company. We should be getting 'pharm' subsidies."

'He's Barack Obama? I thought you said 'he brought a bomb on!''

'I think therefore I ham.'

'Mom, am I my brother's peeper?'

'Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?'

'This is what I mean about inadequate interagency cooperation.'

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

'Well doctor, is it serious?'

"Well. . . the cost of living was getting too high, so. . ."

Since you conduct only thought-experiments, we were hoping you would, from time to time, come up with some thought-results.

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

"Ah, but that wasn't a campaign promise - It was a NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION!"

"My eyes feel heavy. Does that mean I'm taking in too much eye candy?"

"Our flag means debt."

Optometrist practical jokes

Baby Grand Larceny

Monk at prayer, "and take care, if anything happens to you we're sunk!"

Ghost appears to be struggling within sheet. Fellow ghost says: 'I warned you never to use fitted sheets.'

'Well it was fine on the straight but when it hit the last curve the cartoonist lost his perspective!'

"They weren't very friendly when they proscuted me for obtaining loans under false names."

'If you insist on laughing please use the humour section.'

Creation: The Snooker Theory

'Yes, you have to say a prayer of thanks for the shrimp. Just a little one.'

My Day - Cow Today Magazine