Property Plotting Gifts

'I'm a little surprised you got planning permission.'

"I can't believe how great my life is now: We used to live in an apartment, but now, I have my own garden..."

"You called me, boss?" "Yes, I overheard you talking to patrons about all the new planets we’ve found." "I want you to stop doing that." "At least until I’m done buying up as much of that real estate as I can. I don’t need any competitors driving up the prices." "Very bad man." "When the hipsters run out of cities to gentrify here, my properties on Gliese 581c are going to make a killing."

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"I'm waiting for my imagination to run riot."

'...your hindsight on this project was far more accurate than his foresight.'

"I feel that I have at least one more unpublished novel in me."

"A hole half this size sold for 340,000 acorns last week! No inspection!"

Andre Gide.

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"Good to see they're trying to keep the high street vibe."

An exaggeration of estate agents

Mouse real estate!

'On the face of it, it sounds great that she left me her house, but it has gone stale and what Hansel and Gretel didn't eat the birds have had a go at.'

The Speculators

Ted knew he had a bestseller. Now all he had to do was fill the middle bits in.

'I need to tell Edgar...our house sold for a million two.'

'I've worked out that all you need for a summer blockbuster is...'

Joyce Carol Oates

'The owner would have shown you around himself, but he doesn't rise untill after sunset.'

"This spectacular 40 room property has majestic views of the valley and village and it was tastefully renovated after the most recent Viking incursion."

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

"And the bathroom has a water view...if you fill the tub."

'Floodplain close - House on stilts with ladder. Estate Agent saying, 'Welcome onto the property ladder...''

After months of writer's block, the great man's biographer finally decides how to end the book.

UP Again: Housing Prices.

"I'm super excited about this fabulous opportunity to improve!"

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

"Like I told you Gladys: location, location, location."

He's celebrating finishing the last page of his novel...now he only has the other 468 to write.

'It's not enough that you want to publish it, you must beg for it.'

"Anything in Mr, Rogers' neighborhood?"

For Sale By Owner

My dad's doing flowers for a huge sweet 16 party. Everyone's invited except me! Who cares? It's probably some loser who couldn't get anyone to come over without going over the top. Thanks, Em! You know what's important. Plus! We'll figure out whose party it is and crash it! You're my spiritual guide.

"This isn't a fixer upper. It's a down-and-outer."