Profile Critique Lover Gifts

"I like it, Julian — it speaks to what a waste of time and money your MFA was."

"I loved your embarrassing personal essay in the 'Times.' "

'I'm all talked out. Let's look into some gene therapy.'

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

Nutty Assistants

"But sir, you may think you want underwear, but your internet consumer profile says you want a jet ski."

'I see by your resume that you're toilet-trained.'

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the consultants."

"A guy can fall in love with a smile, then make the mistake of marrying the whole girl."

"Good Dad, Bad Dad"

Fake Diplomas

'On a personal note, I'm happy to report that I've been promoted from the network's chief 'pundit' to chief 'pontificator'.'

'For God's sake step back and let the TV cameras through!'

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Hosni Mubarak blinks

A man smoking a post-coital cigarette sees a woman leaving a note in a suggestions box.

"Sorry -- I wasn't listening to what you were saying. I was too busy leading."

Relationship problems.

"Of course, at present Mademoiselle's neck is too long, but our Mr. Francis is going to change all that."

'They always off the mom.'

Washington Water Torture

"The technique is good, but somehow I feel that the artist didn't take enough time observing the subject."

Fortune 500 Earnings

'We worship celebrity!' People bow down in front of a TV showing the academy awards.

"What does a candidate have to do around here to prove his conservative credentials?!"

"Gee, you didn't mention your wart in your personal."

"The Squire theater is just two blocks down, right on the corner. the show thee, 'Whispers of Danger' is a standard mystery, with a lackluster second act. Mis Laporte, however, gives the most lyrical and sensitive performance of her career."