Profile Critique Lover Prints

Ernie, your online dating profile says you're tall, athletic and wealthy. this is the biggest joke I've ever seen! Good point, Frank. I need to add something about my great sense of humor!

"I like it, Julian — it speaks to what a waste of time and money your MFA was."

You looked different during our video chat.

"I loved your embarrassing personal essay in the 'Times.' "

Tunnel of what passes for love these days. Tickets.

"...as they may share in our joy.", "For we are all as one."

'I'm all talked out. Let's look into some gene therapy.'

Evolution of love

Nutty Assistants

"But sir, you may think you want underwear, but your internet consumer profile says you want a jet ski."

"A guy can fall in love with a smile, then make the mistake of marrying the whole girl."

'I see by your resume that you're toilet-trained.'

"Good Dad, Bad Dad"

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the consultants."

Fake Diplomas

'On a personal note, I'm happy to report that I've been promoted from the network's chief 'pundit' to chief 'pontificator'.'

'For God's sake step back and let the TV cameras through!'

Waiting for the Phone to Ring

"Do you mind if I put this on instagram?"

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

"Ugh... Jerry Saltz is totally junking up my feed again."

Hosni Mubarak blinks

A man smoking a post-coital cigarette sees a woman leaving a note in a suggestions box.

Relationship problems.

"Sorry -- I wasn't listening to what you were saying. I was too busy leading."

'Your profile said you were tall, dark, and mysterious.'

Washington Water Torture

"The technique is good, but somehow I feel that the artist didn't take enough time observing the subject."

'They always off the mom.'

'And, if elected, I promise to reach across the aisle, if you know what I mean...'

"Of course, at present Mademoiselle's neck is too long, but our Mr. Francis is going to change all that."

Fortune 500 Earnings

'We worship celebrity!' People bow down in front of a TV showing the academy awards.

"The Squire theater is just two blocks down, right on the corner. the show thee, 'Whispers of Danger' is a standard mystery, with a lackluster second act. Mis Laporte, however, gives the most lyrical and sensitive performance of her career."

"What does a candidate have to do around here to prove his conservative credentials?!"