Professor Gifts

"An excellent defense. Let's give her the doctorate."

"I'll pause for a moment so you can let this information sink in."

"Well, the sooner we get all this lead turned into gold, the sooner we can go home."

Principal: 'Is THERE a DOCTORATE in the House?!'

'I forgot the question.'

Astrophysics made simple.

"So in other words, we're hoping to discover what makes the nitty, gritty."

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

"Daddy works in a magical, faraway land called Academia."

'Hey weirdo, where do you think you're going?'

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

Washington Crossing the Delaware, Having Been Invited to Join the Faculty at Princeton

"Doctor Jekyll and Doctor Hyde."

Two Barbarians and a Professor of Barbarian Studies

"Before I was Socrates, I was Socrates the adjunct professor struggling to get tenure."

'Professor, Professor, the slaves are, I mean, the PhD students are revolting!'

"But enough about this for a while, gentlemen. Let's talk about real estate."

'Agreed. We fund only those proposals we can understand.'

'We collaborate. I'm an expert, but not an authority, and Dr Gelbis is an authority, but not an expert.'

"They're harmless when they're alone, but get a bunch of them together with a research grant and watch out."

'You don't have to worry about my future any more- I just downloaded an entire college education.'

"Now remember this formula, it's going to be on the test."

"Today, class, I'm proud to announce my tenure."

Complexity Made Simple.

'I didn't write the book report. I downloaded and printed it directly from the Internet, but I did collate and staple it myself.'

Panel with Experts to be broken in case of emergency

History repeats itself. Which may explain why it's so boring.

'There are no stupid questions, so let's also agree there are no stupid answers.'

Philosophers On Strike

Ethics exam cheater.

Professor illustrating how to put social responsibility ahead of profits.

'But this is fantastic, professor! It's like no language I've ever seen before!'

Philosophy Department: You are Here...But why?

'You know, when you get right down to it, most consequences are unintended.'

"In closing, let me tell you that never in the universe have I spoken before such an attentive audience."