Professional Interviewee Gifts

"You're the perfect candidate but I'm afraid your handshake was just a teensy bit soft."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

I'm a self-made man!

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

Do you have any other skills?

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'