Professional Interviewee Pillows

"You're the perfect candidate but I'm afraid your handshake was just a teensy bit soft."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

I'm a self-made man!

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

Do you have any other skills?

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'