Job Interviewee Gifts

'I'm afraid that the top investment banks are looking for more from job applicants than a 'Top Degree from the University of Hard Knocks'.'

Employment Qualifications

'No, I've never worked for a veterinarian before, but I'm an active antivivisectionist.'

'If you'd like to instil fear into people, then this is the job for you.'

"What would I bring to the company? After hearing the salary and benefits...a sense of humor."

"Actually the salary isn't important. . . I just need a desk to rest my feet on."

'How fast can you hype?'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

Formal SuitsBusiness SuitsBirthday Suits.

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"And where have you previously moused?"

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

I'm a self-made man!

Please sit down. I can give you five minutes.

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

'Let me see your portfolio of stolen ideas.'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

Personnel - "This letter of recommendation is full of misspellings!"

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Yes, can I help you?'

'The job calls for a little filing now and then...'