Job Interview Gifts

'They tell me you're quiet intuitive.'

'How long have you been unemployed? I have never seen a resume prepared in needlepoint.'

"That's my sock drawer- I just wanted you to see how organized I am."

"You weren't expecting a walrus, right?"

Urine Catcher

"Well, you certainly seem to have a lot to offer this company, and, of course, the truffles are a hell of a plus."

'So I looked at your Facebook page...oh man...there's no way you're getting this job!'

'That's true. We did advertise for someone who 'works well under pressure'...'

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

'We're looking for managers that demonstrate high levels of emotional intelligence. Here, please try on this mood ring.'

"The salary is negotiable, take it or leave it."

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

"The bunny did not get the job because the bunny is cute. The bunny got the job because the bunny knows WordPerfect."

'We're looking for someone who's comfortable taking risks.'

"I see you've come prepared for an in-depth interview."

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

"Remember when I said I was going to be honest with you, Jeff? That was a big, fat lie."

'We're looking for impartial people who think the way we do.'

'Besides a great smile, do you have any other qualifications we could consider?'

'You may be the best man for the job, but I have a dozen women who are better qualified.'

'I've written you a disciplinary letter in French to soften the blow.'

"...and I'm proficient in two languages ? English and text messaging."

"So what makes you think you're the right person for this post?" "Well, I'm highly motivated, outgoing and independently minded. Isn't that right, Dad?"

Personality testing...

In HR office: 'Yes, I'm very punctual. I always use commas and periods.'

'What's the minimal level of competence around here?'

'Oh, a drug test. That's a relief. I thought you were going to test my ethics.'

'Sorry Mike. You're evenly matched in technical skills and productivity, but Zorgbot is simply more affable.'

'Well, Mr. Bell, I must say in all my years in this industry I've never conducted an interview with someone so devoid of even a semblance of professionalism... You're hired.'

"I see you brought a stick. I'm impressed. You've done your homework."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'Acquitted. Acquitted. Acquitted. Very impressive.'

Poor finish to a long-winded explanation.

"I combine technical skill with a human interface."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'