Professional Humor Gifts

Corporate Lawyers

'I haven't quite worked out the logistics of working at home and being able to kiss up to the boss.'

"Swinging into action is the easy part. It's the waiting that gets you."

'But I digress.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

"I hate performance review season."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

'I'd give you a raise, but I had to throw tantrums to make my parents give me anything as a kid.'

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

'I don't know what he does, but I'm afraid to ask.'

'I delegate, then I follow up.'

Executive golf with Newton's cradle

Gary misread the new policy on 'Free Thinking' in the work place.

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

"So, Mr Canary, I see you have experience as a mine safety specialist..."

'Gerald, it's so nice to see you finally getting closer to your employees.'

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

'Here you are, Simmons!'

Indecision and Outrage Trays

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

"It all looks fine to me."

'Kroogshank, why do I think that you try to hide from responsibility?'

"Oh, I can be dependable, and for another £200 a week, I can be productive too."

"That's more like it Perkins..!!"

Earl suspends his disbelief.

"2 for 1 special: Clean, polish, buff, seal"

"Oh yes, we expect to replace you very soon. After all, the qualifications for the job aren't much."

"Every day is Monday." "Except Friday."