Profession-based Humor Gifts

A signaller directing pallbearers

"This position has become very important to the company."

"I don't care if you are the Immediate Gratification Generation. Get out of my chair and back to the mailroom."

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"Hold my calls, Kimberly. I'm with a ball of string."

"I hate performance review season."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"It used to Casual Friday. Now it's Furlough Friday."

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

"What's wrong with swallowing up other companies?"

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

'I'd give you a raise, but I had to throw tantrums to make my parents give me anything as a kid.'

'I don't know what he does, but I'm afraid to ask.'

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

'I delegate, then I follow up.'

'In hindsight, we should have spent more on marketing than entertainment.'

Executive golf with Newton's cradle

'Gerald, it's so nice to see you finally getting closer to your employees.'

"So, Mr Canary, I see you have experience as a mine safety specialist..."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

Gary misread the new policy on 'Free Thinking' in the work place.

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

The Corporate Trust: 'Since we have an agreement of transparency with the feds, I don't need to remind all of you that this meeting never happened.'

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

'Here you are, Simmons!'

'Your resume seems in order, Mr. Lupo, but would you explain exactly why you want to work here> Mr. Lupo...?

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

Indecision and Outrage Trays

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

Earl suspends his disbelief.

"Oh yes, we expect to replace you very soon. After all, the qualifications for the job aren't much."