Occupational Humor Gifts

"Oh, I'm not your waitress - I'm her secretary."

When we're called to a gas leak the first thing we don't do is light a cigarette!

"Looks like we found the issue."

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"This position has become very important to the company."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

'Let's not go by the book.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

"You've proven your worth a hundred times over. Let's try for a thousand."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'Let me worry about the one percent inspiration, you just take care of the 99 percent perspiration.'

"Don't flutter your little wings on company time."

Bo're'droom

'A few more years in this job and you'll learn how to delegate stress.'

'Being the boss's yes-man used to be easier. Now you also have to 'like' him on facebook, follow him on Twitter, link with him on linked-in...'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'Sorry, suffering from burnout return in a week.'