Produce Purist Gifts

'Are they fat free, low carb, high fibre and organic?'

"It's kohlrabi, the next hot vegetable."

"Not to be a motion picture - will remain just a book'

"Have you read any of Shakespeare's plays?"

"I'm afraid our drinking water isn't pure."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

Grandma's caf

GMOs: The Next Generation

Technology and literature

"Respect the park's Natural beauty. No Instagram filters."

'Oh, sure, it gets the creative juices going, but is it worth the cost?'

'this is the only place where no one is fooling around with the genes.'

Error in low-fat pizza design.

What's that, Lance? It's called a newspaper. It's like a Kindle, but instead of your fingers leaving smudges, they get smudged.

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

"We're very strict. No soy milk, no veggie burgers, no margarine... nothing that even looks like an animal product."

"Got anything that will expire before I do?"

"One thing I'll say for us, Meyer--we never stooped to popularizing science."

Information might travel at the speed of light, but the news still travels at the speed of sound bites.

'I know for a fact my grandma never used propylene glycol monoesters, polysorbates, sorbitan monostearate and di-glycerides.'

All reduced 10...The prices? No, the vegetables.

'Yes, those were grown with love. Now, these here, on the other hand, were grown with a love gone wrong.'

"Oh, great, the fundamentalists are back."

Man Covers Up Television in Favour of Books.

"The people in my new novel have started rejecting print media. That's a bad omen."

"And another thing, stop sending me e-mails."

Academicians discussing the admitance of Pre-Raphaelites

EAT: Ambience-free cusine

Hoping to encourage readers to buy the hard copy of the paper, the Journal Times Herald, only printed every other word in its online edition.

"They call him the avocado whisperer. He knows when they are about to turn."

"Worried about the city's water supply, dear?"

"He's been upset since they colorized 'It's a Wonderful Life,' and I think it's finally pushed Him over the edge!"

The only guy left who's not online.

Junk Mail Yard - "Catalogue junk over there, Insurance and credit cards over there.."

The smokiness of this overpowers my palate --- I'd like some bacon with more subtle flavors. A swine snob.