Procurement Pillows

'In conclusion; our major contract expires tomorrow, we have no idea what we want, and no knowledge of the market, It is time to pass this across to the Procurement Team...'

'In conclusion; our major contract expires tomorrow, we have no idea what we want, and no knowledge of the market, It is time to pass this across to the Procurement Team,,,'

'To enable them to provide the service we require the procurement team have submitted a request for seven wands, a crystal ball and a time machine...'

Every Friday lunchtime procurement managers would gather to boast of the size of bid documents they had received that week.

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times, I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times. I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

"This is what happens when you award the contract to the cheapest tender...."

"Are you sure this is how procurement challenges are resolved?"

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

"What's wrong with swallowing up other companies?"

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

Supply Chain

"Procurement and their stakeholder journey down the procurement pathway... Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

How Many It Takes

"UK government aren’t budging boss. Sole supplier or not under the new procurement regulations our new contract has to have three KPIs..."

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

'He works in Acquisitions.'

'I realize this is your first sales call, young man, but 15 minutes is way too long to shake hands.'

"Aren't you the old guy in purchasing whose decades of slavish devotion inspired us to replace you with a small army of sycophants?"

"Gentleman, come in! Come in! Let me take your company."

"Well that answers the question 'Does the CEO understand what we do?'!"

Biblical Procurement Tales: Project Ark.

Karen was delighted that both her large and small suppliers had turned up for her industry day

'In conclusion, the supplier who can repeat this phrase fastest with least mistakes wins the catering contract...'

"I came, I saw I takeovered."

"So we are four days into the new Procurement Act. How are you feeling?"/"I am ok and everything seems to be fine, but I miss the anticipation."

"I have been inputting garbage into my systems for 12 months, why is this spend analysis GARBAGE?!"

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

Purchasing and Sales

"Would you mind if I saw him first "

e-procurement

'Our largest contract is in a mess, the suppliers are failing to deliver, and we have no idea what we are doing. The procurement team sent us their best guy to help sort it out...'

Chief Buyer - I'm busy dump your card with the others

Public Procurement Portal

'Would you like to see my sales presentation from where you're sitting? Or would you feel more comfortable in a head lock?'