Procurement Professional Pillows

'Normally we just come up with some ludicrously high figure depending on how deep we think your pockets are, then we offer you a huge 'discount' to bring it down to about twice what we actually need.'

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times, I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

Supply Chain

"This is what happens when you award the contract to the cheapest tender...."

"Procurement and their stakeholder journey down the procurement pathway... Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

How Many It Takes

"UK government aren’t budging boss. Sole supplier or not under the new procurement regulations our new contract has to have three KPIs..."

'In conclusion; our major contract expires tomorrow, we have no idea what we want, and no knowledge of the market, It is time to pass this across to the Procurement Team...'

"Harris, I want you to buy up anything that has 'dot com' in their title."

'He works in Acquisitions.'

'I realize this is your first sales call, young man, but 15 minutes is way too long to shake hands.'

"Aren't you the old guy in purchasing whose decades of slavish devotion inspired us to replace you with a small army of sycophants?"

"Well that answers the question 'Does the CEO understand what we do?'!"

Biblical Procurement Tales: Project Ark.

Every Friday lunchtime procurement managers would gather to boast of the size of bid documents they had received that week.

Karen was delighted that both her large and small suppliers had turned up for her industry day

'In conclusion, the supplier who can repeat this phrase fastest with least mistakes wins the catering contract...'

"I have been inputting garbage into my systems for 12 months, why is this spend analysis GARBAGE?!"

"So we are four days into the new Procurement Act. How are you feeling?"/"I am ok and everything seems to be fine, but I miss the anticipation."

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

Purchasing and Sales

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

'To enable them to provide the service we require the procurement team have submitted a request for seven wands, a crystal ball and a time machine...'

"Would you mind if I saw him first "

"Allow me to introduce our new head of logistics and international 'just in time' deliveries!"

Chief Buyer - I'm busy dump your card with the others

'Our largest contract is in a mess, the suppliers are failing to deliver, and we have no idea what we are doing. The procurement team sent us their best guy to help sort it out...'

e-procurement

'Would you like to see my sales presentation from where you're sitting? Or would you feel more comfortable in a head lock?'

Public Procurement Portal

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times. I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

"I'm in a purchasing mood, but I don't know if I feel like goods or services."

"Does he respond better to a confident approach or a groveling approach?"