Purchasing Managers Pillows

'I knew we should have planned our sales strategy in advance.'

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

Supply Chain

"This is what happens when you award the contract to the cheapest tender...."

"Procurement and their stakeholder journey down the procurement pathway... Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

How Many It Takes

"It may well be a hugely significant example of early 18th century Flemish art...but as head of merchandising I have to ask 'What would it look like on a fridge magnet?'"

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

"UK government aren’t budging boss. Sole supplier or not under the new procurement regulations our new contract has to have three KPIs..."

'Tropical fruit, imported cheese, coconuts...I'm not really into that 'eat locally' stuff.'

'In conclusion; our major contract expires tomorrow, we have no idea what we want, and no knowledge of the market, It is time to pass this across to the Procurement Team...'

"We've geared up our American company to provide PPE for our healthcare providers, and we need 'Made in the USA' tags to on 'em! Problem is, USA tags are all Made In China."

"Aren't you the old guy in purchasing whose decades of slavish devotion inspired us to replace you with a small army of sycophants?"

'I realize this is your first sales call, young man, but 15 minutes is way too long to shake hands.'

'He works in Acquisitions.'

"Well that answers the question 'Does the CEO understand what we do?'!"

Biblical Procurement Tales: Project Ark.

Every Friday lunchtime procurement managers would gather to boast of the size of bid documents they had received that week.

Karen was delighted that both her large and small suppliers had turned up for her industry day

'In conclusion, the supplier who can repeat this phrase fastest with least mistakes wins the catering contract...'

"I have been inputting garbage into my systems for 12 months, why is this spend analysis GARBAGE?!"

"So we are four days into the new Procurement Act. How are you feeling?"/"I am ok and everything seems to be fine, but I miss the anticipation."

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times, I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

Purchasing and Sales

'To enable them to provide the service we require the procurement team have submitted a request for seven wands, a crystal ball and a time machine...'

"Would you mind if I saw him first "

e-procurement

'Our largest contract is in a mess, the suppliers are failing to deliver, and we have no idea what we are doing. The procurement team sent us their best guy to help sort it out...'

Chief Buyer - I'm busy dump your card with the others

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times. I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

'Would you like to see my sales presentation from where you're sitting? Or would you feel more comfortable in a head lock?'

Public Procurement Portal

"I'm in a purchasing mood, but I don't know if I feel like goods or services."