Procurement Officer Pillows

"Well that answers the question 'Does the CEO understand what we do?'!"

'Smith, when I asked you to 'begin the tender process'...'

"For the past six months we have discussed and agreed on our requirements, and chosen our route to market. Two weeks before we start the tender process I thought it would be nice to invite the Head of Procurement in so he can finish it all off for us..."

"This is when we will involve Procurement so they can do the boring stuff for us..."

Well here's the problem. Part # AB5 is a Nuclear Missile. Part # AB6 is an ink cartridge.

'I absolutely refuse to sign anything which requires a microscope and a stepladder to read it!'

Public Procurement Portal

'In conclusion, the supplier who can repeat this phrase fastest with least mistakes wins the catering contract...'

The origin of the phrase 'staff cuts'.

Supply Chain

"This is what happens when you award the contract to the cheapest tender...."

"I have been inputting garbage into my systems for 12 months, why is this spend analysis GARBAGE?!"

"So we are four days into the new Procurement Act. How are you feeling?"/"I am ok and everything seems to be fine, but I miss the anticipation."

Test and Trace consultants being paid £7000 per day

When procurement Officers dream...Procurement Officers reality.

"UK government aren’t budging boss. Sole supplier or not under the new procurement regulations our new contract has to have three KPIs..."

"This bidder has the same name as you, and your face as their logo and you scored them top marks throughout this tender evaluation. Did you understand the conflict of interest declaration you signed?!"

"Which one of you jokers wrote 'more notices than you can wave a stick at' in our draft Procurement Strategy?"

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'We have a strict don't-ask-don't-tell policy for salaries.'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

A very young man being hired as a groom.

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

"Let me put it this way: I'm hitting 'Unlike' and 'Unhire.'"

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

'I have serious doubts about the efficiency of that new 'apples and bucket' hiring test.'

"Procurement and their stakeholder journey down the procurement pathway... Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

'Remember that promotion you were asking for last month, , ,Well, something just opened up,'

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the recruitment and training of new staff to replace the staff we laid off."

How Many It Takes

"John and Sidney work in human relations."

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

'We like to find just the right slot for our people.'